Hell-Mart!

Today my wife and I had to go to Satan's lair otherwise knows as Wal-Mart. That's right I said it. I know it's non-American to call Walmart Satan's lair but it just is. Let me explain: First of all the Bible has many descriptions of Hell such as a "place of torment" and a place where there will be "wailing and gnashing of teeth". There are others but for this reference I'll stick with torment and the wailing and gnashing thing. You see while you're in the store rude demons often maneuver their carts down the same isle as yours and then stop in the middle and either make you wait or turn around. This causes you torment and gnashing of teeth. So you turn around only to find more rude demons have followed you closing you in..ooops more torment. So you get out of that isle and desperately try to find what you came for. That's where more torment comes. You see, the Devil knows that if you step into his place you're more than likely looking for two kinds of things and that's when he has his fun. He places one of those things on one side of the store and carefully places the other on the complete other side of the store. This is devilishly brilliant. This causes you much torment and teeth gnashing. Wailing is soon to follow. Ok, so you get the two things you need and go to pay for them. Uh oh...here comes the wailing! You look for an open register. Of course, they have 197 lanes and three that are actually open. In those three lanes there are over 60 people per lane, all with full carts. Can you imagine the torment those people endured to shop that much in the Devils play ground? Maybe the little smiley face was too much temptation for their pathetic souls to bare! Wait, what's this? The Devil installed self-checking isles. NO, don't do it! It's one of the Devil's many traps! He's just tempting you. Oh boy....he got you. You fell for it! You saw that only one person was in front of you and you took the bait. Unfortunately, just as you stepped in line, Satan tips his pitchfork and "poof" the machine freezes up. The underpaid and overly tormented Hell-mart "self-check" employee comes over to the machine and starts hitting buttons at random only to decide that he/she'll need to get his/her extremely underpaid, extremely over-tormented manager to come from a deeper part of the lair and help fix the machine. Observing what is going on (and realizing that it may take an hour before the manager actually shows up) you notice that another self-checking isle only has one person in line. Here's your chance, so you dash like a gazelle to that line with a bit of victory in your eyes. You get your debit card read and....Huh? What's this? What's wrong? Oh snap! You've got to be kidding me? This register just went down too? That's when you think you hear the faint sound of evil laughter coming from afar. You realize that the Devil had some fun on your account! He's a trickster that Devil! Now you can officially wail and gnash those teeth! Go for it! After all, you're in Hell...that's what you're supposed to do. Finally, you make it past the receipt demon and you're out of the store, you run to your car (almost getting hit three times in the process) and you get in. All you can do now is shake and feel sore from grinding your teeth so hard. You reflect and realize that Dante's Inferno paints the perfect picture of ol' Sam Walton's place. The picture is actually in the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican. Michelangelo must have had visions of Wal-Mart way before it's time. Notice the look on everyone's face. Next time you're there look around. Notice the employees and you'll see the similarities.

I know that this hypothetical situation seems crazy but unfortunately it often comes true. It happened just today with Amy. She went in there for two things and it took her 45 minutes to get out of Hell. No kidding...45 minutes! She tried the self-checking thing and got caught in Satan's trap. She came out with a face of horror. I waited in the car and prayed for her. She came out alive, so I guess the prayers worked.

I hope Target never goes out of business!

I love my wife!
Brian

The Birds and the Bees - CJ's version.

First thing this morning CJ and Lily woke up and both ran to the bathroom to go potty at the same time. Though they've seen each other naked before, this morning CJ just noticed that Lily was missing something. Yes, you got it, she's missing her pee pee. He gasped as the lack of this contraption on Lily's body took him by surprise. To quote CJ "Gasp....LILY where is your penis?" Lily responded "I don't have one." As if he refused to hear this response, he repeated the question. "Lily where is your penis?" Lily not be unheard again responded "I've been like this all day!" Now finally grasping this tragic discovery, CJ then responded desperately "Do you know what this means?" Lily now completely tuned into this unfolding new story silently but impatiently awaits the verdict. "This means that you and mommy are the only two people in the whole world without a penis, and you and mommy will die before me and daddy." Now Amy and I were not in the room but we could only imagine the look of horror on Lily's face and the confused, jumbled up thoughts that were racing through her cute, little 4 yr old mind. There was a silence that followed CJ's response and then out of nowhere Lily responded "CJ do you want to go play cars?" BAM! - the entire Birds and Bees conversation was officially over. Off they went to play Hotwheels and without another mention of the potential tragedy that had taken place. That folks is pure greatness!

This made Amy and I laugh this morning. What a funny way to wake up!

I love my kids!
Brian

The Family Fun Time Cruise!

Have you heard about our family vac....no not vacation...no our family tri...no not a family trip...our Family Fun Time Cruise? Oh surely you have? You haven't? Oh... well then allow me to expound. You see every once in awhile Moms and Dads decide the kids need to come along with them on vacation. Once they allow this to happen, then the word "Vacation" get's thrown out the window. There is no vacation about it! It's not about relaxing and letting go...oh no not even close. It's about bonding the family closer and "Creating Memories" as my wife would put it. So without allowing my self to sink any further into trouble with my wife with my sardonic tone, here's a very brief description of the Holt Family Fun Time Cruise with many, many details left out:

Day One: Getting there and getting on - Reletively easy and without trouble. CJ sort of looks like a terrorist but only when he's on the soccer field - Yeah baby!
Ashlyn walked around with her mouth open in pure delight. Amy walked around with a plan in her head. Lily walked around thinking about how cute she looked, CJ walked around with his "play-dar" on and I walked around thinking about the food.

Night one: CJ falls off the bunk bed, Lily didn't care, Amy and I lost years of our lives from CJ falling, Ashlyn probably thought we were all nuts.

Day Two: CJ discovered the mini-golf...this completely consumed him until we got off the boat. Lily discovered that she was the cutest girl on the boat. Ashlyn discovered the deck of the boat and the Gulf sun. Amy continued to plot and plan and I won the hairy chest contest...what an honor!

Night Two: CJ slept on the lowest level bed. Lily didn't care! Ashlyn nursed a bad sunburn, Amy planned the next day, I fell asleep.

Day Three: We got off the boat in Cozumel. Ashlyn walked around with boys drooling over her (a dad's worst nightmare!), CJ wanted to play mini-golf but had fun swimming with the dolphins, Lily swam 1 mile by herself in the underground river at Xcaret, Amy directed us so we wouldn't miss ANYTHING and I just carried the bags like a good husband/servant does. Did I mention that Ashlyn and I (my brave Ashlyn) who isn't the best of swimmers, went 20 feet under the water for 30 minutes and enjoyed the beautiful sea life with a Sea Trek helmet on. So proud of her!

Night Three: Everybody went straight to bed completely exhausted!

Day Four: Progreso! Nice old Mexican port. People were nice and not de-sensitized to tourista's yet. CJ jumped into the ocean without bothering to put on his bathing suit (yes shoes and all). He was in Heaven. Lily and Daddy rode a banana boat for a mere $5! Ashlyn just looked pretty, Amy basked it all in. Her plan was working perfectly!

Night Four: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Day Five: Day at sea! CJ & Lily enjoyed Camp Carnival. Amy and Ashlyn spent the day buying pictures - Amy was in Heaven!!! I don't remember what I did...I was numb by this point.

Night Five: Pictures were distributed and Amy was all smiles. CJ wanted to play mini-golf, Lily just wanted to look cute. Me? I have no idea what I was thinking and was probably a walking zombie by then. I have one picture posted of our table mates we sat with at dinner. Luckily, we were paired with another family that had their kids with them too. They are from Texas and we enjoyed spending part of our vacation getting to know them. I highly recommend Carnival for cruising with families :)

Getting off of the ship: We manage to get through customs without a hiccup, except Ashlyn was still red from her sunburn on day one and we almost got in trouble for trying to smuggle over a native.

Overall a really fun time had by all. The kids were great considering thier ages and the pure amount of trouble they had access to. Amy got to plot and plan and was so happy to do so. I got to spend a week with my Ashlyn and for me nothing could be greater than that. I just hope Ashlyn felt the same. It still wasn't my ideal vacation but it was a Family Fun Time!

There are many more pictures I can show you (thanks to Amy the photographer) but here are a few. Some say that I look like I'm in pain in a few of the photos. Funny...I don't remember how I felt at that point in the cruise. If I was in pain I was hurting with a smile!

I love my wife and kids!
Brian

40 people live at my house!

Ok, this morning I get up and start working on the dishes and clothes and what I discovered is that there is over 40 people living in this house. I don't know where they all sleep or hang out but there is no way four of us can use that many dishes and wear that many clothes. No Way! I will spend today simply cleaning the house and while I'm at it I'm going to look for those additional 36+ people who live here. They have to be here somewhere.

Wish me luck!
Brian

The future of CJ!

I've decided that CJ will grow up to be either: A senior pastor of a huge Mega Church, a very successful salesperson or an auctioneer. Here's why based on each potential career path.

Senior Pastor of Huge Mega Church: First of all CJ loves Jesus. He believes whole-heartily that Jesus is his personal advisor and bodyguard. He prays to Jesus for things he wants and needs and in turn pledges his love and devotion and promises to tell everyone he knows about Him.........wait a minute, I think that's what we're supposed to do. Maybe CJ's got it all figured out. I know Jesus did...that's why He loves the little Children just like CJ. They have the faith he wishes us dumb ol adults had. I think CJ will always have childlike faith. Combine that with his amazing desire to be the leader of what ever he does, his charm, charisma, extra fun energy and brother we have ourselves a mega pastor!

A very successful salesperson: Have you every bought something you didn't want or need and paid for it with a smile. Do you know why you bought what something? A great salesperson sold it you to you. A salesperson who made your decision to purchase that something the most important thing you could do at that moment. A salesperson who sold you themselves and not the product. That, in a nutshell, is CJ. He can make you want to buy stuff for him and do things for him simply because he made it seem like the most important thing you could do at that moment and because it's good for the great CJ. I don't know where he learned it but he did and he's good! The other day I found myself wanting to peel an apple for him because he made me feel that it was a really cool way to serve it and of course because it was good for him. I could hardly wait to painstakingly peel that dumb apple for him. He's brilliant I tell you...brilliant!

An Auctioneer: It's official, just today CJ successfully spoke more words in one day than any other human that has ever lived. No kidding...I'm submitting it to Guiness and see if we can get a world record published. I can truly see CJ up on a stage somewhere auctioning off high dollar cars or works of art. The funny thing is that people will marvel at how fast he can speak but I'll know that he always talks like that. If he doesnt want to be an auctioneer he can do disclaimers, like the ones you year at the end of car dealer commercials. Listen the next time you hear one, then it will make sense to you. The only problem with this fast speaking gift is that by the time you get through a conversation with CJ you need a nap. He wears you out and for some reason you love it.

You know after writing these three things the more I realize that CJ will probably end up doing something completely different. He'll probably end up as an accountant or computer programmer where he spends alot of time away from people. He'll have decided by that time that he's said all that he needs to say and decide to share his brilliance with only his wife and kids and few select people who know him best. Who knows, maybe he'll be fireman? Everyone likes a fireman! Who cares, just as long as he stays just like he is...a spirit filled, smooth talking salesman!

I love my kids!
Brian

My sweet little Bruiser!

Lily is perhaps the cutest thing that ever walked! See picture for cute reference! She is so very sweet and such an adorable blessing in our lives. Here's the funny part, because Lily has a 6 yr old brother, she's also incredibly rough and tough. Her nickname on her soccer team is "Bruiser"! That's because she is a little bowling ball with the other players. If they are in the way, they get mowed over. Not that she pushes all that bad but she just sort of kicks her way over other girls. They come up to kick the ball away from her but it's like they kick a stump or something. The soccer ball is hers and nobody else's. So far in 3 games she has scored over 15 goals...no kidding! She would have probably scored even more than that but there are 5 other girls out there trying to do the same. In Lily's mind they are nothing but obstacles in her way, even her own team mates.

I'll update this blog with a soccer picture asap. You can see bruiser in action.

Here's another funny fact about all of this. When I was playing high school football I was a pretty tough player. I played middle linebacker and was known for my hitting and tackling. I even earned some honors for my hard-hitting performances, attracting the attention of some fairly respectable colleges. All of this to say that my nickname was none other than...you know it...Bruiser! I had to earn this playing football in High School. Lily is only 4 and has already earned it playing 4 yr old soccer. I feel sorry for those girls and boys that she encounters in High School. If she has a boyfriend, he better treat her good. Not because her daddy will beat him up, because my sweet little bruiser will. Girls will just want to be her friend, not because she is sweet, because she can beat up thier boyfriends for them too.

I love my kids!
Brian