Hell-Mart!

Today my wife and I had to go to Satan's lair otherwise knows as Wal-Mart. That's right I said it. I know it's non-American to call Walmart Satan's lair but it just is. Let me explain: First of all the Bible has many descriptions of Hell such as a "place of torment" and a place where there will be "wailing and gnashing of teeth". There are others but for this reference I'll stick with torment and the wailing and gnashing thing. You see while you're in the store rude demons often maneuver their carts down the same isle as yours and then stop in the middle and either make you wait or turn around. This causes you torment and gnashing of teeth. So you turn around only to find more rude demons have followed you closing you in..ooops more torment. So you get out of that isle and desperately try to find what you came for. That's where more torment comes. You see, the Devil knows that if you step into his place you're more than likely looking for two kinds of things and that's when he has his fun. He places one of those things on one side of the store and carefully places the other on the complete other side of the store. This is devilishly brilliant. This causes you much torment and teeth gnashing. Wailing is soon to follow. Ok, so you get the two things you need and go to pay for them. Uh oh...here comes the wailing! You look for an open register. Of course, they have 197 lanes and three that are actually open. In those three lanes there are over 60 people per lane, all with full carts. Can you imagine the torment those people endured to shop that much in the Devils play ground? Maybe the little smiley face was too much temptation for their pathetic souls to bare! Wait, what's this? The Devil installed self-checking isles. NO, don't do it! It's one of the Devil's many traps! He's just tempting you. Oh boy....he got you. You fell for it! You saw that only one person was in front of you and you took the bait. Unfortunately, just as you stepped in line, Satan tips his pitchfork and "poof" the machine freezes up. The underpaid and overly tormented Hell-mart "self-check" employee comes over to the machine and starts hitting buttons at random only to decide that he/she'll need to get his/her extremely underpaid, extremely over-tormented manager to come from a deeper part of the lair and help fix the machine. Observing what is going on (and realizing that it may take an hour before the manager actually shows up) you notice that another self-checking isle only has one person in line. Here's your chance, so you dash like a gazelle to that line with a bit of victory in your eyes. You get your debit card read and....Huh? What's this? What's wrong? Oh snap! You've got to be kidding me? This register just went down too? That's when you think you hear the faint sound of evil laughter coming from afar. You realize that the Devil had some fun on your account! He's a trickster that Devil! Now you can officially wail and gnash those teeth! Go for it! After all, you're in Hell...that's what you're supposed to do. Finally, you make it past the receipt demon and you're out of the store, you run to your car (almost getting hit three times in the process) and you get in. All you can do now is shake and feel sore from grinding your teeth so hard. You reflect and realize that Dante's Inferno paints the perfect picture of ol' Sam Walton's place. The picture is actually in the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican. Michelangelo must have had visions of Wal-Mart way before it's time. Notice the look on everyone's face. Next time you're there look around. Notice the employees and you'll see the similarities.

I know that this hypothetical situation seems crazy but unfortunately it often comes true. It happened just today with Amy. She went in there for two things and it took her 45 minutes to get out of Hell. No kidding...45 minutes! She tried the self-checking thing and got caught in Satan's trap. She came out with a face of horror. I waited in the car and prayed for her. She came out alive, so I guess the prayers worked.

I hope Target never goes out of business!

I love my wife!
Brian