Children's Crack!

WHAT? Yea, children's crack! There are drugs out there that almost every family household has and they may not know it. In fact, I've been working on a list of drugs that appear to be simple everyday things but are in fact "childrens crack". Here's two of the most notorious crack items found everywhere:

Water or H2O for our scientific friends - This little item is #1 on the "children's crack" list. Now I don't mean to drink....oh no I mean to play in. Today I turned on a sprinkler in our backyard and you would have thought I had threw a steak at a pack of wolves. My children were knee deep in sprinkler puddles within a half of a second. It's an instant high for my kids. You should see them near a pool...oh my it's so completely wacked out. If you've ever seen a buzzard fly in circles around their prey it's alot like that except the kids just circle the pool. They should have a 1-800# for parents with kids that are strung out on water.

Fruit Snacks - These little beauties could perhaps be #1 on the list but it all depends on if you have them or not. If you have them they can be your new best friend...that is if you're a parent. You can entice a child to do all kinds of things they wouldn't normally do with a pack of fruit snacks. You see manufacturers add a special chemical in fruit snacks called KK#2 or Kids Krack #2. KK#2 is basically sugar....ok it's all sugar but kids actually grow an addiction to it like crack addicts on the street. Pull out a bag of fruit snacks in front of a 1st grader and you'll actually see the child drool. Some even get the shakes...it's really sick. Lab mice on cocaine look calm compared to kids on fruit snacks.

If you child is addicted to Water or Fruit Snacks that's ok so is every other child in America. My kids are actually starting to freebase them. Well.....ok not really but you would think they were by how they react to them. If you can relate with me on these two "Children's Crack" items then please reply to me and let me know what your kids are addicted to. We can compare notes, cry on each other's blogs and if necessary go to a KK#2 Anonymous meeting.

Gotta go, one of my kids is getting the shakes.

BDH

What were they thinking?

Ok, here it is the blog you've been waiting for.....the famous "What were they thinking?" blog. For some of you (my audience of one....me) this blog is way overdue in the blogging world. This is the blog of all blogs, so without saying the word blog any more than 8 times in one paragraph lets get on with the "What were you thinking?" blog.

It all started one day nearly 5 years ago when my son CJ was born. Oh what a beautiful day, a day unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I got to witness the miracle of childbirth, I got to show my son off to the world and I got to share all of this with the most perfect woman in the world. What was amazing is that CJ actually slept through most of the night his first night. I thought we had we had it made UNTIL (booming music ques here..BOOM BOM BUM!) CJ choked a little in his sleep and then something very different happened to me and my wife. Something very strange and very much from the depths of our souls. Our bodies miraculously jumped up with super power swiftness and within one second we were both hovering over our little baby CJ ready to perform complicated medical procedures on him. It was unbelievable! CJ of course cleared his throat and went back to sleep. Amy and I on the other hand lost one year of our lives right then and there and we had no idea that this little episode would be just the beginning of "what were we thinking?"

Now the hour glass of life has been steadily dropping sand quicker than ever before with the birth of our second child Lily. It appears that at this rate we will be dead before this blog is finished. I say this because our kids were both born with an innate ability to shock us with their "creativity". Just today CJ decided to see what would happen if he were to stick his plastic golf club into the flame of a Citronella torch in the back yard. He found out that he no longer has a plastic golf club but instead has a golf clump. A work of art in some circles but to me it was just another case of "What was he thinking?" My daughter not to be out done by CJ-angelo, decided that she would transform her lunch of mini-pizzas into a large single tower. It leaned a little to one side and yes, you've got it, we had Lily's leaning tower of pizza. I should have bronzed it and sold it on Ebay. I don't know what she or CJ were thinking but I figured both of the kids were probably just being under-supervised by their dad and I just have to ask myself "What was I thinking?"

Now, "what were we, I, they, and you thinking?" moments happen all the time and as the title implies they don't just happen to the kids they happen to Amy, the puppies and me. I won't get into Amy's "WWIT?" moments because knowing my wife she planned what ever it was out and like any woman's decision it was just supposed to seem complex and mysterious to me as a man. My puppies have had a few "WWTT?" moments but hey, they are only 90% human so they have the excuse of having a few of those times and it's ok. The other 10% of them is a dog with very high anxiety. <- Wow that sounds alot like my anatomy. Hmmmmm? Ok, well anyway so I'll just focus on me and my kids and that's because they are my kids and they are the reason why these blogs were written to begin with. I personally hope someone who is a psychoanalyst will read this blog and give me thier best assessment of my mental condition (wacked out or really wacked out?).

I have a top 3 "What where they thinking?" moments I would like to share and hopefully other parents can relate to them. From my kids, #3 is entitled "beach head", that's because one day Lily and CJ decided to get into a fight inside the sandbox. To me that's like getting into a fight with yourself. No one wins and the more you fight the worse it is for you. Let me tell you that sand has a way of making into places that it shouldnt. You've seen the 3 stooges skits where Larry, Moe and Curly get into a pie fight and all you see of thier face are eyeballs and hole where their mouth is. That's exactly what CJ and Lily looked like except that it was dreaded sand. I got to the fight too late and by that time....well let's just say it was not pretty. I could only look on with bewilderment and ask the "WWTT?" question and I still ask it today. It took me a week to get all the sand out of the bathtub and I'm still getting sand out of CJ's ears. Maybe that's why he ignores me when I call him????

From yours truly comes the #2 "WWIT? moment. This is a recent moment so it's fresh on my pitiful little mind. Are you ready for this?......I decided to take both of the kids to the grocery store by myself! For some of you this is no big deal and in fact you probably cannot relate but let me just tell you about my kids and the grocery store. My kids have found that if they act up in the grocery store, daddy is less likely to blow a fuse in public. SO, of course, even though I know they know this I thought this day was going to be different. I had it in my mind that it was going to be a strategic event: I would rush in, get my groceries and get out within 7.5 minutes, never letting the kids get a stronghold on the event and thus accomplishing the goal. The strategy was to quickly grab the one cart that has the plastic dual race car extension on the front of it so that the kids would stay in the car and act like they were driving the #8 Nascar. The other stragegy was to go directly to the isles I knew had what I needed and skip the ones that didnt. After all I knew the store well and I could probably draw a map of it. My final strategy was to completely get my kids ready by having them go potty before we went, getting them each drink cups and a finally a little snack bag to cover thier grocery store hunger. Buddy, I had it all planned out! Yea right!!!! As soon as I get to the store, the one dual race car shopping cart was no longer there. Darn....but hey no problem, I'll just live without it, I would strap Lily into the child seat and I would have CJ just run along the cart as I litterly sped to the isles. So away I went towards the specific isles I was looking for. I get to the first isle that is supposed to have bread.......uh oh....they moved the bread. In fact, they moved the entire store!!!!!! Every isle was different and nothing was the way it was supposed to be. It was like Willy Wonka had taken over as manager. It was nuts! I was looking around in anticipation for some fat little Oompa Loompa's to come out and start singing about tortilla chips or something. I can see it now..."Oompa Loompa Doopa dee do, I've got some refried beans waiting for you". It was just wierd and it was at that very moment that the wheels came competely off. I took the grand tour of the new Wonka Land Grocery Store and finally found everything I needed. Lily and CJ did an amazing job of pulling off everything (that I didn't need) in reach just to show me what it (unneeded thing) was. In fact, CJ was not only able to pull everything (that I didn't need) off the shelves on the isles we were on but before we could get to the next isle he had already pulled everything (that I didn't need) off of those shelves as well. Anyway, I was heading towards the final thing we NEEDED when the inevitible happened....Lily and CJ both had to go potty. Oh Great! So I head towards the front of the store (I think it was the front...who knows?) parked the cart by a vacant register and took the kids into the restrooms. I wont get into that fiasco but lets just say that Lily's hands got washed thoroughly that day! We come out of the restroom and head for my cart only to find that they (the oompa loompas) took my cart and put everything (THAT I NEEDED!!!) back into it's original spot. I thought I was on Candid Camera! Wow, that Mr. Wonka is a jokester. I bet he get's lots of laughs.....ha ha! Well, I eventually got everything (NEEDED THINGS) again and got out of there. There is much much more to the story but it's too painfull to bring up. I would need some therapy to get me though telling the whole story. All I can say is "WHAT WAS I THINKING?".

The mac-daddy #1 of the "WWTT?" trilogy comes from my girl Lily. Lily is the sweetest, cutest, most precious thing in the world but Lily has a dark side. Yes, daddy's little angel has a devil on her shoulder. This devil often tempts Lily to take little adventures off away from the rest of the crowd. One day this devil decided that Lily needed to go on an adventure across the street at my parents house. Normally, in any neighborhood to cross a street is no big deal, but not at my parents house...oh no, this is one of the busiest streets in town and people often reach in excess of 60 miles per hour on it simply because they can. Ok so if you can imagine, Lily sees that the front door of my parents house was not closed well and she decides to open it and head out the door. On that day Lily decided to be that famous chicken that crosses the road just to get to the other side. Well "Chicken Lily" manages to pick up an angel along the way and to the devils suprise she makes it across the road without getting hit by a car. An innocent bystander sees our little Chicken Lily, picks her up and walks around the neighborhood, banging on doors trying to figure out who's child this "under-supervised" one belonged to. When she banged on our door and told me she had Lily, I immediatly lost 47 years of my life "poof" just like that. Six wrinkles per eye suddenly appeared and all my hair turned gray within seconds. Now that I'm an 85 year old man, I feel like maybe I should have asked "What was I thinking?". I looked at Lily with such a mix of emotion but most of all I was thinking --"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???!!!!!". She just smiled, never realizing that she had done anything wrong. That folks is just how it works. You lose 47 years of life in one fell swoop and you kids just smile. I think it's a conspiracy by our kids to get us in a nursing home as soon as possible so they can take over. Rotten children....God love em!

I have a sneaky suspicion that every family has a top 3 "WWTT?" list and it comes from a much larger list of "WWTT?" moments. We had at least two happen since I started this blog, but that's ok because if our family didnt have them I would wonder if something was wrong. Our children provide hours of entertainment for Amy and me and we love them for it. What's funny is that they get thier "WWTT?" inspiration from thier mom and dad......excuse me just thier dad. It's like they look up to me to lead the way for "WWIT?" moments so that they can justify thier actions. Yea, they have a few moments of thier own that not even God can explain but for the most part they just mock thier wacky father. So for now I'll leave you (my little dream audience) with a challenge. I would love to here your little "WWTT?" moments and see if it's just me and my kids or is there other strange life forms on this planet?

I hope you enjoyed this blog. As with any of my blogs it's all just therapy for me and if someone just so happens comes across it and actually reads it, then my question to them is "What were you thinking?".

Oomp Loompa to you!
BDH

Car Crazy Kids.

One day on our way to visit family in Central Texas my wife and I decided that our 2000 Nissan Altima was not going to work for our family of 7 (two adults, two children, two dogs and one large Moluccan Cockatoo) anymore and we decided that minute that we needed a bigger car. So many factors when into this decision and to date it's one of the best decisions we've ever made. Since then we had to part with one family member (the bird) but we still have the 6 of us and we enjoy the luxuries of a minivan. Now I know what some of you are thinking. You're saying to yourself "Minivans are not me" or "Yea, I think I would rather have a suburban or some other SUV" or just flat out "Mini-van....blech!". Hey, that's cool but let me just tell you that our minivan is greatness and some real memories have been shared in our little "mini-palace" as I like to call it. In fact, our mini-van is "vantastic" <- Just a little play on words there....thank you very much!

I would like to share with you (my invisible audience) some of the fun we have each and every day in our mini-van. Let's start in the morning shall we? This is a time when our kids like to warm up their vocal cords and practice thier songs for the day. This is also a time when our kids like to warm up thier boxing skills and beat each other to a pulp. You see, our kids have determined that both of them cannot possibly sing at the same time. Only one of them can sing at a time and both of them believe that they are the ones who need to be singing. This leads into conflict and of course this leads into round 1 of the "Ultimate Mini-Van Fighting Challenge". In our right corner, from Lewisville, Texas, weighing in at I think, 40 something pounds, sporting 50 wins, 4 losses, at least 40 wins by way of knockdown we have CJ "I did it my way" Holt. (crowd applause)...In our next corner we have our contender also from Lewisville, Texas and in fact the same house, weighing in at......oh... I don't know something pounds, with a record of 4 wins and 50 losses, all wins by way of suprise attack - Lily "Baa Baa Black Sheep" Holt! (Crowd applause). These fights are usually short lived but pretty dramatic...at least for CJ and Lily they are. For mom and dad they are a whip. Here's an example, Lily decides that we need to hear "Baa Baa Black Sheep" for the 10th time and she starts singing it. Lily's rendition of it is cute but wrong - "Baa Black Sheep have you any wool, yes sir yes sir three da bull"....of course this infuriates CJ and he has to politely correct her at the top of his lungs...."NOOOOOOOO, it's "three bags full"!!!!! Lily then accepts the polite gesture with a strange look and answers back with a very loud and high shrill scream probably telling CJ "thank you for correcting me", but you can't make out the words so who knows. CJ then decides that we need to hear what "real" singing is like and breaks into song. One of his favorites is usually one that he makes up. He gets this talent from his father, who believes that any situation deserves a good song about it. So CJ breaks into a CJ classic (one that he just made up) and of course Lily is not done with "Baa Baa Black Sheep"....Uh Oh, you know what that spells don't ya? I smell a fight a brewin! Cause remember no two people can sing at the same time and since CJ is making up the words as he goes....well ol' Baa Baa might just get in the way. SOOOO, Slap! "Stop it Lily, I'm singing first"......Slap back(Lily)......"NO!, I'm singing first" This exchange is usually goes for a good two or three slaps before it is resolved by the OVERPOWERING MOMMY OR DADDY VOICE THAT IS SO DEEP AND SCARY!!!!! Threats are made on the children's lives and of course a peace treaty is verbally signed that allows one of the children to sing and the other to be hacked off! <- a great life lesson! And just think the morning is just getting started!

Round #2 starts when Lily backs out on her side of the peace treaty and starts singing her rendition of "You Are My Sunshine". Again cute but wrong....here's what she says:"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me hap-PEEEE when stars are great". CJ of course cannot possibly let her get away with destroying an American anthem such as "You are my sunshine" so he just tries to sing over her with "My Baby Bumblebee". If you listen to the two singing together it sounds like this - "ahamygiluyalukinkjnhuioplmnybmhthuuuujdhnsmllynluietuidpooosggfnkiigggbfytionosititugksn"
I've slowed it down for you so you can hear what they are saying...here it goes again:
"IIIII'm baa baa baby bumble sheep won't you my mama have any wool of me." <- Between the two it sounds alot like a record played backwards. I'll look at my wife when they do this and we both seem to have that painful, tilted head like a dog look. When the kids start trying to overpower the other it sounds more and more like a symphony of nails scratching a chalkboard. I must applaud Chrysler for doing thier homework and putting in "screech proof glass" in thier mini-vans. Some how or another the kids haven't busted through it yet. They've managed to make my brain explode but not the glass. Pretty amazing!

Now not everything in the mini-palace is all that musical however, sometimes we just have meaningless conversations. CJ is guilty of telling Holt stories. Holt stories are just like my blogs...long, pointless and without any real definite goal. The only difference is that his are longer, very pointless and without any direction. He's easily distracted by what he sees on the road and in the car so a conversation might sound like this: I had this dream ...................about a dragon...................I want fruit snacks......................I never get fruit snacks...................................(cry moment).................................There was a dragon.....................and he had LARGE TEETH (CJ will have big eyes by now).................and he...I want to go there.............over there...................(starts to whine................I NEVER get to go there...........................................stop it Lily I was telling a story.................... <- You get the point! By the time you get to the point it's the following Thursday and it doesn't matter anyway. Lily usually just breaks into song thus the "stop it Lily" at the end of the example. Amy and I imagine we have a sound proof glass shield like thing that glides up like an automatic window, separating the front of the car from the back of the car. I think limousines have them. They are probably called privacy windows or something like that. Of course, mini-vans don't have them and curse Chrysler for not installing them as standard equipment. They give you sound proof glass everywhere but where you need it the most. I think I'll invent something like this for parents everywhere. I'd win the Nobel Peace Prize for something like that or at least a ton of thank you letters from tattered parents everywhere.

Our puppies love the van too. Ginger and Snaps love it because it's like a buffet when the kids drop food from thier car seats and beleive me they drop some food. I'd say the Holt's alone could end world hunger if we were to collect all the food that has been dropped by the kiddo's. The puppies subsequently weigh 400 pounds each. The veterinarian starts salivating when we take the dogs in for something. They charge us $100 as soon as we walk in the door because they know that our dogs no doubt have some sort of fat dog disease or boulder size kidney stones or something. They also already know our dogs are being overfed by our children.The receptionists take one look at the dogs and say "Mini-van huh?"...I mean they just know. In any case when the van door opens the dogs come a runnin! You would think there is this old time camp cook standing at the van door ringing his triangle bell and yelling "come and get it". The dogs leave skid marks making thier way to the van....not from thier feet but from thier bellies dragging the ground. We're going to have to put those dogs on the "South Paw Diet".

The last really great thing about the mini-palace is the sheer amount of "junk" it will hold. I once packed our entire house inside the mini-van, couches, refrigerators and all. Ok, not really but it just seemed like it. The van has hidden areas all over the place and of course if there's space, we've found it and stuffed something in it. The middle area between the front bucket seats regurly holds a mountain of..............well I don't know but it's a mountain and last week we had some climbers try to scale it but I heard they got buried in an avalanche. Now my wife says she has it all organized and knows what it all is but the other day I wasn't so sure when I found another mini-van inside the pile.

We'll I have to go now. I've got to load up the kids and all our stuff inside the van and head out to work. I'm looking forward to some good ol' fashion family war time fun with the kids. Lily is ready to share her rendition of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and CJ is all over his new hit song "I want fruit snacks". In the meantime, I'm working on that potentially life saving invention for all parents....the "Auto retracting, upper cabin, sound proof window". It may take a few years and by then we'll have a different car. It will probably be something a little more hip though, because you know that there is a point where kids are embarassed by the car you drive. We may have to buy a cool SUV or some other non-van related vehicle. I also think the music will change then too. "Mary Had a Little Lamb" will change to some hip hop song and "I Want Fruit Snacks" will go down in history as a one hit wonder. I guess I'll just shut up and savor how precious my kids little voices are. Oh by the way, I'm thinking about calling my invention "Sanity Glass" what do you think?

Baa Baa!
Brian

Kids Dictionary

This is a quick post on some of the cute things my kids have said in the past and what they were trying to say. Also included are some phrases that have been said that I found to be pretty cute.

Here goes:

Root Poops = Fruit Loops > as in "I want some root poops"

Blik Blok Blag = Zip Lock Bag > as in "I want some root poops in a blik blok Blag"

Ca Ca Ca Coon - Name for the Chrysilis Flower.........Dont ask!

Le La = Love You > as in "Le La Daddy" ...of course!

Nute Naks = Fruit Snacks

Flute Plop = Fruit Pop

Slip Slops - Flip Flops

"I want to brush my deeth with poothtaste" - I guess this is after you've had a blik blok blag full of nute naks or root poops.

CJ woke up one morning, ran out of bed to me and said" My eyes had a dream about girl trees and spiders". <- Now that's creative!

There are scores of other things the kids have said but I said this would be quick so for now this is what you (my non-existant audience) get.

Le La
Brian