It's not officially on CNN yet but within a week or two the news will finally report how one family came into Sea World San Antonio and took the place over. No, not by force but rather by the shear amount of energy and cash that was distributed within the confines of a place Shamu calls home aka Sea World.
Oh yes folks Vinni, Viddi, Vicci or We Came, We Saw, We Conquered. Actually I saw this on a t-shirt while at the famed amusement park so I borrowed it for this blog. We purchased season tickets only because it makes sense if you plan to go more than once and just so happens we went both Saturday and Sunday. We went ahead and bought the season parking pass and we purchased one of their overpriced Shamu cups and refilled it a number of times. We bought lunch there on Saturday and of course stupid me had to get a locker thinking we would need it. Overall after all the tickets, passes, lunch, refills, gas to get to and fro and, of course silly little expenses like flip flops, visors, a "must have" water camera and evening meal the bill came out to $470,897,976.07. Amy felt it was a deal since we didn't spend the full 500,000,000.00 that I had predicted. I sold a kidney and an arm but that's ok because with the $29,102,023.93 that Amy said we "saved" I can probably buy an arm and kidney off of one of the other fools who go to Sea World this year. It's just money right?
Oh well, why don't I tell you about our whale of a tale at Sea World. We arrived a little later in the morning than we hoped (imagine that) and we met up with our good friends the Jordans at the dolphin petting tank. I personally was already whipped by this point only because it seemed like it took a week to get there from New Braunfels. You see we had to "zip" into at Walmart "real quick" to get our "must have"water camera and about an hour later Amy came out with a couple of grocery carts full of beach wear. I thought maybe for a minute we were going to become street vendors and sell flip flops and beach towels from the side of the road. In any case, after I loaded up the Uhaul trailer with all the beach goods, we took off once again towards Sea World. When we arrived negotiated with the parking guy for a few minutes trying to get a good deal on parking and he gladly declined to negotiate and just took my money from my hand like he was snatching candy from a baby and so we move on. We park and unload the van and Uhaul into two strollers and carry bags. We looked like a parade coming down Shamu street complete with float size strollers and clowns (me). I looked like a clown because with the weight of the carry bags my face was red and the veins in my neck and forehead made me look like one of those clowns that scare all the children....you know the one that is really just an old man in a pile of makeup who looks like he smokes 2 packs a day! Anyway, we made it to the front gate of Sea World and without going into painful detail went from line to line trying to figure out how to get in. After all Amy the event planner was proactive and purchased our season passes online. Heck we figured that because we were so freakin cool, Sea World would have one of those "express lanes" where all the really savvy online buyers could zip in and be in the park in a matter of seconds. Yea right! We spent another 30 minutes just trying to locate that express lane. So much for that. But hey we did make it in only after a strip search and good fingerprinting. The cavity search was optional but we didn't have time.
So back to the Jordans. We find them at the dolphin tank and from there we head to the famed Shamu show. Man that was cool! Literally. We sat in the splash zone where Shamu has license to spit on you and splash hundreds of gallons of freezing cold salt water at you. Everyone laughs and makes oooohin and aaaahing noises once the blast of artic water hits you. Everyone of course except Lily! I believe she had her first glimpse of what Hell might just be like. Once the salt water hit her and dripped into her eyes the notion that Shamu was a big ol' fun fish was tossed out and he became the devil himself. Shamu became Hellmu all in one fell swoop. After a good 10 minutes of shaking and crying Lily gained back her composure and started talking smack about the killer whale. It started out innocent enough with "Shamu got me" and it eventually turned into "I'm going to fry that sucka"......Ok....you're right she didn't really say that but you get the picture. She was pretty upset with Shamu and personally I don't blame her but what can you do? Like any good child however she was ready to see Shamu again later that day and all was forgiven. From Shamu we did some kids activity things and then made our way to the walrus and sea lion show. We got the opportunity to feed the walruses and sea lions for a few minutes before the show and that was fun simply because the walruses would honk at you for food...at least that's what their cry sounded like. We fed them these little fish that looked like sardines and they went nuts for it. It reminded me of a bunch of high school football players at a CiCi's buffet. It was nuts when you threw one of those little fishes in the water towards them. They would basically drown each other to get to this little morsel. Seemed like a waste of time to me but who knows maybe that little fish was like chocolate chip cookies to a walrus. In some cases you would think the little fish was like crack or something. I mean there were some walruses that literally shook when they saw it dangling in your fingers. They would hold up signs like those bums on the street that said "Please help", "Just lost job", "kids need flipper surgery" crazy stuff like that just to get that little fish. After feeding these crack addicts for a few minutes we went to the show and it was hilarious. It was blooper reel in itself and that made it great. I did however recognize one of the fat, ugly creatures from the feeding tank that was holding a "lost job" sign and realized that I was had been taken by this honkin thing. It was not only working it was the star of the show. Can you believe it? I was conned by a sea lion! Oh well, so we moved on. The next stop was lunch where a sandwich was the same cost as a Farrari. Oh wait a minute hold on we did this after we went to Shamu....then we ate.... then we went to the walrus show. Ok I remember now. It was such a blur and in reality it doesn't matter what came first, this is just a story.
OK, back to lunch. We had lunch and it was actually pretty good. It was just as much fun to sit in the AC and people watch. Man, people are really fun to watch. I figure that for every 10 people there are 2 who are not from this planet. No kidding, 20% of the population are from some planet called Insano. They came here to escape reality and found out what a nutty group of people we humans are and decided to stay. The remaining 80% of the population are just weird. Each of us with our own little quirks and in some cases outdated hairdoo's. The people watching reached it's peak for the day when I overheard a mother and her 8 year old son at one of the many overpriced drink stands talking about what he could and could not have. It appeared that the son wanted a beer to drink and the mother was of course reluctant to let him have it. He said "come on mama, let me have a beer!" and mama said "no, you can't have one here" and the son said "but I'm thirsty" and the mama said "they are too expensive" and the more determined son said "but I want a beer mama" and this went on for a few exchanges until the mama got fed up and ever so gently yelled out while exposing her rather gummy smile and said "you can't have a beer right now God - #$%# it, you'll have to wait until we get home." It was a great example of a parent holding there own against a child. I was almost tearful when I saw the beautiful exchange of loving correction tactics performed by mama. The son was forced to simply throw a fit and a few expletives when finally told he could not at that moment in time have his beer. I wish I could have video taped the scene and showed in on Dr. Phil....or....mayby....Jerry Springer. I get choked up thinking about it......Pause....sniff.......Ok I'm back. Well any way, we enjoyed lunch and the people watching and from there we decided that the most important thing we could do that day was not Shamu, not people watch but ride the log ride! That's right the famous log ride. What's funny about that is the log ride is obviously the #1 attraction at Sea World. You wouldn't know it however until you walk a few blocks to the actual area where the line starts. The reason I say area is because the line starts half a mile away from the actual ride and moves at the pace of a snail. You and a million other trained lab mice weave in and out of a maze of ropes that keep the traffic flow in check. Of course the cheese at the end is the ride itself. The good thing about this waiting time is the actual community you build with your fellow idiots. I got to know this one person who was next to us. They were from San Antonio and they told me that they tortured themselves all the time at Sea World, in fact they came every other weekend and on the other weekend they went to Fiesta Texas. I looked at them in horror as I realized they were from planet Insano. I was glad to hear though that they were second generation Insanians and that they weren't like that that first bunch of Insanians (hippies) that landed in the late 60's. I disguised my fear and continued to talk to them about deep subjects like how smooth the parks roller coasters were and how they were going to try to win a 6ft Scooby Doo at the ring toss game where Sea World has a carnival like game area. I actually pictured places where a 6ft Scooby Doo would fit in my house and after much non-sensical mental placement I decided that it would end up being placed in a very appropriate place....Goodwill. Now don't get me wrong, I too think they are neat when you see people walking around with them in a theme park or carnival but in the back your mind don't you think to yourself - ok stud now that you won that big honkin thing, what are you going to do with it and will it even fit in your car? I imagine that Scooby Doo is some sort of God on planet Insano. I can see it now....Scooby Doo God of all multi-layered sandwiches. I wonder if Shaggy is as loved...hmmmm!
So as we ended our day we absolutely needed to go see the sharks. I agree this is a must do on your Sea World vacation list. They have all these sharks in this HUGE aquarium and you get to see them swim around in complete boredom. I think the sharks know your watching them only because every so often one would wink at you and flash you a jagged smile. I figured if I stayed awhile one would finally don a top hat and cane and sing "Ragtime Gal" for me like the singing frog in those Warner Bros cartoons. Man, wouldn't that be funny! "There goes my baby, there goes my honey, there goes my Ragtime Gaaaaal" while kicking up some fin. Man that would be good. If I saw that you would have never heard me gripe one bit about the cost of the park. That would have made it worth it all by itself. Funny!
Ok so we saw the sharks and left for the car. Guess what the fun wasn't over I forgot that I rented locker for some reason and had to go back into the park and return the key and get my truckload of towels that we never used. Now the good thing here is that if I returned the key I would get my $5.00 deposit back. Yea buddy, I was all over that. So I waited in the appropriate line once I got my towels and proceeded to watch the absolute slowest human being in the entire world check in keys at the locker rental window! I think she too may have come from some planet. After watching her for a good 10 minutes painfully go through the process of returning the key to its home, I decided this person was herself a few cents short of a full dollar. Well in any case I eventually got my $5.00 back and man that was like a victory for me. I clinched that $5.00 bill like it was my last...probably because it was and then I ran briskly out of the park. We started the parade again but this time towards the mini-van and out of the park. We loaded back up and brother we were out of there. I remember the feeling of relief I had right up until the moment my wife reminded me that we were planning on coming back the next day. That's right we were going to the water park portion of the park on Sunday. I almost cried! My wife could hardly wait but then again she is an adventurous person and loves the idea of going where the fun is. My kids wanted to go right then but of course they are two little adopted children from planet Insano so what do you expect. Insanians get their kicks from finding the places where the most people are and for fun they wait in lines. Bless their hearts!
So we make it home safely and one by one we each fall under the weight of the day and crash to sleep, all except me! You guessed it, my children found that it was easier for them to sleep if they kept me awake all night. Lily decided early into the evening to wake up and crawl up into bed with me. I was so physically weak from carrying the loads of beach wear earlier in the day that I couldn't get up to put her back in bed. Now I did have moments of sleep but just when I started sleeping real good Lily would move and accidentally punch, kick and headbutt me. I felt like I was a bad guy in a Jackie Chan movie. Lily is so sweet and wonderful but don't let her fool you she packs a punch! Before you know it the sun popped up and it was time to make the donuts. We all got up within the hour, got ourselves ready and in total disbelief I found myself driving back to Sea World. Because of the complete beating we took at the parking gate the day before and the fact that we had a season parking pass we drove right in. At this point we hadn't spent a dime and I was thrilled. We even walked right into the park. Man we were on a roll, what a great day this was going to be. We met up with the Jordans again and by the way these people are truly some of the greatest people we know. Justin is my friend and chiropractor and is an amazing Christian guy. In case you didn't know Justin is a comedian as well, he "cracks" people up all day...ha ha hahahahaahaha......and HA! What? Can't I throw in the occasional corny joke? Geeez! Ok so it wasn't that funny but hey I bet if Justin heard it he would at least give me a courtesy laugh...so there! I don't have to say much about Denise, you can sum it up with graceful, intelligent, and a great Christian! She would add humble to that if she heard me say that because she would try to disagree with me but I know the difference. Their kids Bailey and JD are great too. Amy and I already have aspirations of CJ and Bailey getting married some day. Isn't that sick? Yea we agree.
OH yea I forgot....entering the park, yes, we entered the park without trouble and went once again to the Shamu Show. This time Lily was ready for the splash of cold water but we didn't indulge her and instead stayed just out of the spash zone. The show was good except the host really didn't have any personality. She came out and introduced herself and the whales like she was the prerecorded IRS operator. Very monotoned and mechanical. HI I AM INSERT NAME AND WELCOME TO SEA WORLD. SAY HELLO TO SHAMU! Bless her heart, I think that she might have been from a different planet too. Everyone around us made comments about her even the ones from planet Insano. She was so monotone that one of the whales died of boredom. Again bless her little mechanical heart!
From Shamu we did a few other things but eventually departed from the Jordans and went to the water park. The Jordans made their way back to Dallas (like intelligent people would do) and we headed for the water (like Insanians would do). This was a pretty good time except when CJ got so excited about going on the raft ride that he pee'd all over himself. The ride attendants of course didn't let him go and Amy had to walk him all the way down the stairs. He was hacked! Mommy was too! It's amazing how kids do that. 5 seconds later and he would have been in the raft and could have pee'd in the raft with hundreds of thousands of gallons to dilute it....but NOOOOOO he had to go right there on the deck of the ride. Oh well, he's 4 and sometimes it just works out that way. I think CJ is still mad at that ride attendant.
The water park was fairly short lived and after getting wet once you were pretty well done for the day. I did however enjoy my second round of people watching. Now this time was a bit different. I had to put up with what I call blind people. Yes blind people! You see before many of these people came that day to the water park they had to get on their swimsuits and from the looks of what I saw many had to be blind. I mean did they really think that what they wore was going to be socially acceptable. There were for the most part people who obviously who don't care what issues their bodies have and simply slipped on suit with a smile. Others, however, I think were fresh off the Insano shuttle and didn't have time to find out was ok by decency standards. I saw people in one pieces that needed half a dozen more pieces and some in two pieces that that obviously only wore the pieces because the law makes them do it. There were your pregnant men with overhanging bellies who have to tie their draw strings without the ability to actually see the strings and of course no water park would be complete without your European guys in Speedo's. Now I'm a reasonable guy, I have at least a little sense of style, but COME ON haven't the Germans figured out by now that Americans are grossed out by the Speedo? It just isn't right! You might as well just paint a suit on or go naked. Even Insanians get offended! There should be a law perhaps in the form of a mattress tag like thing on a Speedo that says "Do not put on under penalty of law. For use by underwear models only". I think that would solve it except for those guys who are blind....................crap, then I guess that really wouldn't solve anything! Maybe we should write our congressmen and see if we as a society can put together a Speedo police. That's their whole job is to sit at Airports checking Europeans luggage for Speedo's and going undercover at pools, beaches and water parks everywhere making sure we rid our society of the Speedo menace! Man, I should be president!
Ok, so we get through the water park and oh by the way I smuggled in some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches into the park. I think that's where we saved the $29 million on lunch. Those were the best pb&j's in the whole wide world. I figured every bite was worth 1/2 a million dollars. You might even call pb&j "poor man's caviar". Good stuff I tell ya! Now we weren't quite done yet. We hadn't seen the dolphin show yet and it came highly recommended by the Jordans. So we go and yes it was really good. It was more of a diving exhibition but the dolphins were good too. They had a funny clown like guy as a silent MC and he was very talented. He did however look strangely like the European guy in Speedo's that I saw at the water park so I was a bit leary of him suddenly yanking his clown suit off to expose his Speedo. Luckily that never happened so I guess he wasn't that same guy. Thank God!!!
Shows over and we leave Sea World in a blaze of glory each of us wet, sunburned and in my case in a full sprint. Amy, CJ and Lily loved every minute of it, Ashlyn (my oldest) is 14 so you couldn't tell if she had a good time or not but that's because at 14 kids are basically just zombies and simply roam the earth until they are 18 or so. I must admit even though it cost half a billion dollars and my feet are still swollen and bleeding I had a decent time. Shamu still puts on a "killer" show....ha ha get it?... Killer as in Killer Whale....Ha ha.....uh......yea....and uh the park still looks good after all these years. People watching is always fun and overpriced food is just part of the deal. So in reality you need walk out knowing that if the wife and kids had a good time then it was probably worth it. We need to cherish the gifts that God has given us and our kids are some of our greatest. I'm thankful that God gave me my wonderful, event planning wife and my beautiful Insanian children. They make going to Sea World an experience to remember and sometimes silently cry about.
I hope you enjoyed this story. Though incredibly long and over analyzed it was therapeutic for me to tell. I think that I will continue to write out my family adventures as I see them. Even if no one reads them they will be my way of communicating to the world that I may not be from planet Insano but I should have been. I believe that each of us have stories to tell but I think everyone is afraid that the government will sneak into the internet and read them and throw us in jail. I'm not afraid of that but I am afraid of harboring all of this madness and them someday with my mind all confused and bloated, I'll put on a Speedo and head out to some theme park thinking I look good. I hope the nursing home people will catch me before I head out the door. You should hope the same. For now, I'm signing off in blaze of glory!
Love your friend!
Brian
That's right, the place where memories are made. Where porcelain, marble and mirror change our lives forever. Let me tell you why I've come to this conclusion. You see my kids are fascinated with the bathroom or at least the concept of one single place where you can play in three forms of water. The sink, the tub and, you guessed it, the toilet...It's like a mini water park. When your children potty train you learn to deal with the sound, sight, feel and smell of your child's waste matter <- (a nice word for poop and pee). It's like God miraculously gives you this strange ability to deal with it. I'll call this the "Doody Sense". It's not like the sense of smell or eyesight instead it's more like something that alters our other five senses so that they are not as sensitive or grossed out to your child's "doody". We get the "Doody Sense" the moment our children come out of the womb. I know this first hand because my children were quick to get some doody out and I stepped right up and changed them like it was nothing. It's weird! Now other peoples children sort of stump the "Doody Sense" a little and you can still get grossed out a changing other kids diapers. For some strange reason your own childs doody sort of seems like your own so you don't mind messing with it. That's part of the "Doody Sense". In fact the "Doody Sense" works on other bodily fluids too. I could list all of those out but you know what I'm talking about. I don't get it but it the "Doody Sense" makes it all right for your kids to spew all over you. You're baby spews on you and they are still your little angel. Have another kid spew on you and they are the Devil. It's the "Doody Sense" folks - plain and simple!
