Car Crazy Kids.
One day on our way to visit family in Central Texas my wife and I decided that our 2000 Nissan Altima was not going to work for our family of 7 (two adults, two children, two dogs and one large Moluccan Cockatoo) anymore and we decided that minute that we needed a bigger car. So many factors when into this decision and to date it's one of the best decisions we've ever made. Since then we had to part with one family member (the bird) but we still have the 6 of us and we enjoy the luxuries of a minivan. Now I know what some of you are thinking. You're saying to yourself "Minivans are not me" or "Yea, I think I would rather have a suburban or some other SUV" or just flat out "Mini-van....blech!". Hey, that's cool but let me just tell you that our minivan is greatness and some real memories have been shared in our little "mini-palace" as I like to call it. In fact, our mini-van is "vantastic" <- Just a little play on words there....thank you very much!
I would like to share with you (my invisible audience) some of the fun we have each and every day in our mini-van. Let's start in the morning shall we? This is a time when our kids like to warm up their vocal cords and practice thier songs for the day. This is also a time when our kids like to warm up thier boxing skills and beat each other to a pulp. You see, our kids have determined that both of them cannot possibly sing at the same time. Only one of them can sing at a time and both of them believe that they are the ones who need to be singing. This leads into conflict and of course this leads into round 1 of the "Ultimate Mini-Van Fighting Challenge". In our right corner, from Lewisville, Texas, weighing in at I think, 40 something pounds, sporting 50 wins, 4 losses, at least 40 wins by way of knockdown we have CJ "I did it my way" Holt. (crowd applause)...In our next corner we have our contender also from Lewisville, Texas and in fact the same house, weighing in at......oh... I don't know something pounds, with a record of 4 wins and 50 losses, all wins by way of suprise attack - Lily "Baa Baa Black Sheep" Holt! (Crowd applause). These fights are usually short lived but pretty dramatic...at least for CJ and Lily they are. For mom and dad they are a whip. Here's an example, Lily decides that we need to hear "Baa Baa Black Sheep" for the 10th time and she starts singing it. Lily's rendition of it is cute but wrong - "Baa Black Sheep have you any wool, yes sir yes sir three da bull"....of course this infuriates CJ and he has to politely correct her at the top of his lungs...."NOOOOOOOO, it's "three bags full"!!!!! Lily then accepts the polite gesture with a strange look and answers back with a very loud and high shrill scream probably telling CJ "thank you for correcting me", but you can't make out the words so who knows. CJ then decides that we need to hear what "real" singing is like and breaks into song. One of his favorites is usually one that he makes up. He gets this talent from his father, who believes that any situation deserves a good song about it. So CJ breaks into a CJ classic (one that he just made up) and of course Lily is not done with "Baa Baa Black Sheep"....Uh Oh, you know what that spells don't ya? I smell a fight a brewin! Cause remember no two people can sing at the same time and since CJ is making up the words as he goes....well ol' Baa Baa might just get in the way. SOOOO, Slap! "Stop it Lily, I'm singing first"......Slap back(Lily)......"NO!, I'm singing first" This exchange is usually goes for a good two or three slaps before it is resolved by the OVERPOWERING MOMMY OR DADDY VOICE THAT IS SO DEEP AND SCARY!!!!! Threats are made on the children's lives and of course a peace treaty is verbally signed that allows one of the children to sing and the other to be hacked off! <- a great life lesson! And just think the morning is just getting started!
Round #2 starts when Lily backs out on her side of the peace treaty and starts singing her rendition of "You Are My Sunshine". Again cute but wrong....here's what she says:"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me hap-PEEEE when stars are great". CJ of course cannot possibly let her get away with destroying an American anthem such as "You are my sunshine" so he just tries to sing over her with "My Baby Bumblebee". If you listen to the two singing together it sounds like this - "ahamygiluyalukinkjnhuioplmnybmhthuuuujdhnsmllynluietuidpooosggfnkiigggbfytionosititugksn"
I've slowed it down for you so you can hear what they are saying...here it goes again:
"IIIII'm baa baa baby bumble sheep won't you my mama have any wool of me." <- Between the two it sounds alot like a record played backwards. I'll look at my wife when they do this and we both seem to have that painful, tilted head like a dog look. When the kids start trying to overpower the other it sounds more and more like a symphony of nails scratching a chalkboard. I must applaud Chrysler for doing thier homework and putting in "screech proof glass" in thier mini-vans. Some how or another the kids haven't busted through it yet. They've managed to make my brain explode but not the glass. Pretty amazing!
Now not everything in the mini-palace is all that musical however, sometimes we just have meaningless conversations. CJ is guilty of telling Holt stories. Holt stories are just like my blogs...long, pointless and without any real definite goal. The only difference is that his are longer, very pointless and without any direction. He's easily distracted by what he sees on the road and in the car so a conversation might sound like this: I had this dream ...................about a dragon...................I want fruit snacks......................I never get fruit snacks...................................(cry moment).................................There was a dragon.....................and he had LARGE TEETH (CJ will have big eyes by now).................and he...I want to go there.............over there...................(starts to whine................I NEVER get to go there...........................................stop it Lily I was telling a story.................... <- You get the point! By the time you get to the point it's the following Thursday and it doesn't matter anyway. Lily usually just breaks into song thus the "stop it Lily" at the end of the example. Amy and I imagine we have a sound proof glass shield like thing that glides up like an automatic window, separating the front of the car from the back of the car. I think limousines have them. They are probably called privacy windows or something like that. Of course, mini-vans don't have them and curse Chrysler for not installing them as standard equipment. They give you sound proof glass everywhere but where you need it the most. I think I'll invent something like this for parents everywhere. I'd win the Nobel Peace Prize for something like that or at least a ton of thank you letters from tattered parents everywhere.
Our puppies love the van too. Ginger and Snaps love it because it's like a buffet when the kids drop food from thier car seats and beleive me they drop some food. I'd say the Holt's alone could end world hunger if we were to collect all the food that has been dropped by the kiddo's. The puppies subsequently weigh 400 pounds each. The veterinarian starts salivating when we take the dogs in for something. They charge us $100 as soon as we walk in the door because they know that our dogs no doubt have some sort of fat dog disease or boulder size kidney stones or something. They also already know our dogs are being overfed by our children.The receptionists take one look at the dogs and say "Mini-van huh?"...I mean they just know. In any case when the van door opens the dogs come a runnin! You would think there is this old time camp cook standing at the van door ringing his triangle bell and yelling "come and get it". The dogs leave skid marks making thier way to the van....not from thier feet but from thier bellies dragging the ground. We're going to have to put those dogs on the "South Paw Diet".
The last really great thing about the mini-palace is the sheer amount of "junk" it will hold. I once packed our entire house inside the mini-van, couches, refrigerators and all. Ok, not really but it just seemed like it. The van has hidden areas all over the place and of course if there's space, we've found it and stuffed something in it. The middle area between the front bucket seats regurly holds a mountain of..............well I don't know but it's a mountain and last week we had some climbers try to scale it but I heard they got buried in an avalanche. Now my wife says she has it all organized and knows what it all is but the other day I wasn't so sure when I found another mini-van inside the pile.
We'll I have to go now. I've got to load up the kids and all our stuff inside the van and head out to work. I'm looking forward to some good ol' fashion family war time fun with the kids. Lily is ready to share her rendition of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and CJ is all over his new hit song "I want fruit snacks". In the meantime, I'm working on that potentially life saving invention for all parents....the "Auto retracting, upper cabin, sound proof window". It may take a few years and by then we'll have a different car. It will probably be something a little more hip though, because you know that there is a point where kids are embarassed by the car you drive. We may have to buy a cool SUV or some other non-van related vehicle. I also think the music will change then too. "Mary Had a Little Lamb" will change to some hip hop song and "I Want Fruit Snacks" will go down in history as a one hit wonder. I guess I'll just shut up and savor how precious my kids little voices are. Oh by the way, I'm thinking about calling my invention "Sanity Glass" what do you think?
Baa Baa!
Brian
I would like to share with you (my invisible audience) some of the fun we have each and every day in our mini-van. Let's start in the morning shall we? This is a time when our kids like to warm up their vocal cords and practice thier songs for the day. This is also a time when our kids like to warm up thier boxing skills and beat each other to a pulp. You see, our kids have determined that both of them cannot possibly sing at the same time. Only one of them can sing at a time and both of them believe that they are the ones who need to be singing. This leads into conflict and of course this leads into round 1 of the "Ultimate Mini-Van Fighting Challenge". In our right corner, from Lewisville, Texas, weighing in at I think, 40 something pounds, sporting 50 wins, 4 losses, at least 40 wins by way of knockdown we have CJ "I did it my way" Holt. (crowd applause)...In our next corner we have our contender also from Lewisville, Texas and in fact the same house, weighing in at......oh... I don't know something pounds, with a record of 4 wins and 50 losses, all wins by way of suprise attack - Lily "Baa Baa Black Sheep" Holt! (Crowd applause). These fights are usually short lived but pretty dramatic...at least for CJ and Lily they are. For mom and dad they are a whip. Here's an example, Lily decides that we need to hear "Baa Baa Black Sheep" for the 10th time and she starts singing it. Lily's rendition of it is cute but wrong - "Baa Black Sheep have you any wool, yes sir yes sir three da bull"....of course this infuriates CJ and he has to politely correct her at the top of his lungs...."NOOOOOOOO, it's "three bags full"!!!!! Lily then accepts the polite gesture with a strange look and answers back with a very loud and high shrill scream probably telling CJ "thank you for correcting me", but you can't make out the words so who knows. CJ then decides that we need to hear what "real" singing is like and breaks into song. One of his favorites is usually one that he makes up. He gets this talent from his father, who believes that any situation deserves a good song about it. So CJ breaks into a CJ classic (one that he just made up) and of course Lily is not done with "Baa Baa Black Sheep"....Uh Oh, you know what that spells don't ya? I smell a fight a brewin! Cause remember no two people can sing at the same time and since CJ is making up the words as he goes....well ol' Baa Baa might just get in the way. SOOOO, Slap! "Stop it Lily, I'm singing first"......Slap back(Lily)......"NO!, I'm singing first" This exchange is usually goes for a good two or three slaps before it is resolved by the OVERPOWERING MOMMY OR DADDY VOICE THAT IS SO DEEP AND SCARY!!!!! Threats are made on the children's lives and of course a peace treaty is verbally signed that allows one of the children to sing and the other to be hacked off! <- a great life lesson! And just think the morning is just getting started!
Round #2 starts when Lily backs out on her side of the peace treaty and starts singing her rendition of "You Are My Sunshine". Again cute but wrong....here's what she says:"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me hap-PEEEE when stars are great". CJ of course cannot possibly let her get away with destroying an American anthem such as "You are my sunshine" so he just tries to sing over her with "My Baby Bumblebee". If you listen to the two singing together it sounds like this - "ahamygiluyalukinkjnhuioplmnybmhthuuuujdhnsmllynluietuidpooosggfnkiigggbfytionosititugksn"
I've slowed it down for you so you can hear what they are saying...here it goes again:
"IIIII'm baa baa baby bumble sheep won't you my mama have any wool of me." <- Between the two it sounds alot like a record played backwards. I'll look at my wife when they do this and we both seem to have that painful, tilted head like a dog look. When the kids start trying to overpower the other it sounds more and more like a symphony of nails scratching a chalkboard. I must applaud Chrysler for doing thier homework and putting in "screech proof glass" in thier mini-vans. Some how or another the kids haven't busted through it yet. They've managed to make my brain explode but not the glass. Pretty amazing!
Now not everything in the mini-palace is all that musical however, sometimes we just have meaningless conversations. CJ is guilty of telling Holt stories. Holt stories are just like my blogs...long, pointless and without any real definite goal. The only difference is that his are longer, very pointless and without any direction. He's easily distracted by what he sees on the road and in the car so a conversation might sound like this: I had this dream ...................about a dragon...................I want fruit snacks......................I never get fruit snacks...................................(cry moment).................................There was a dragon.....................and he had LARGE TEETH (CJ will have big eyes by now).................and he...I want to go there.............over there...................(starts to whine................I NEVER get to go there...........................................stop it Lily I was telling a story.................... <- You get the point! By the time you get to the point it's the following Thursday and it doesn't matter anyway. Lily usually just breaks into song thus the "stop it Lily" at the end of the example. Amy and I imagine we have a sound proof glass shield like thing that glides up like an automatic window, separating the front of the car from the back of the car. I think limousines have them. They are probably called privacy windows or something like that. Of course, mini-vans don't have them and curse Chrysler for not installing them as standard equipment. They give you sound proof glass everywhere but where you need it the most. I think I'll invent something like this for parents everywhere. I'd win the Nobel Peace Prize for something like that or at least a ton of thank you letters from tattered parents everywhere.
Our puppies love the van too. Ginger and Snaps love it because it's like a buffet when the kids drop food from thier car seats and beleive me they drop some food. I'd say the Holt's alone could end world hunger if we were to collect all the food that has been dropped by the kiddo's. The puppies subsequently weigh 400 pounds each. The veterinarian starts salivating when we take the dogs in for something. They charge us $100 as soon as we walk in the door because they know that our dogs no doubt have some sort of fat dog disease or boulder size kidney stones or something. They also already know our dogs are being overfed by our children.The receptionists take one look at the dogs and say "Mini-van huh?"...I mean they just know. In any case when the van door opens the dogs come a runnin! You would think there is this old time camp cook standing at the van door ringing his triangle bell and yelling "come and get it". The dogs leave skid marks making thier way to the van....not from thier feet but from thier bellies dragging the ground. We're going to have to put those dogs on the "South Paw Diet".
The last really great thing about the mini-palace is the sheer amount of "junk" it will hold. I once packed our entire house inside the mini-van, couches, refrigerators and all. Ok, not really but it just seemed like it. The van has hidden areas all over the place and of course if there's space, we've found it and stuffed something in it. The middle area between the front bucket seats regurly holds a mountain of..............well I don't know but it's a mountain and last week we had some climbers try to scale it but I heard they got buried in an avalanche. Now my wife says she has it all organized and knows what it all is but the other day I wasn't so sure when I found another mini-van inside the pile.
We'll I have to go now. I've got to load up the kids and all our stuff inside the van and head out to work. I'm looking forward to some good ol' fashion family war time fun with the kids. Lily is ready to share her rendition of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and CJ is all over his new hit song "I want fruit snacks". In the meantime, I'm working on that potentially life saving invention for all parents....the "Auto retracting, upper cabin, sound proof window". It may take a few years and by then we'll have a different car. It will probably be something a little more hip though, because you know that there is a point where kids are embarassed by the car you drive. We may have to buy a cool SUV or some other non-van related vehicle. I also think the music will change then too. "Mary Had a Little Lamb" will change to some hip hop song and "I Want Fruit Snacks" will go down in history as a one hit wonder. I guess I'll just shut up and savor how precious my kids little voices are. Oh by the way, I'm thinking about calling my invention "Sanity Glass" what do you think?
Baa Baa!
Brian
posted by DallasHolts at
9:07 PM
2 Comments:
Brian...
These posts about your daily life are AWESOME! And... you seem to be quite the comedian as well. I will be a frequent visitor to the site so now you'll have the pressure of living up to my expectations (HA!). Seriously, I really enjoyed your long "short" stories. I'm looking forward to many more...
My husband and I, who do not have a minivan, but have two kids that have played with CJ and Lily since birth, also see the need for sanity glass. We would make one addition to it, though: A reflective, soundproof, indestructable panel positioned between the children's seats. That way, they won't be able to touch, see, hear, or irritate eachother!!
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